All My Secrets
by JerichoSteele
Summary: A little tag to "Internal Affairs". Started listening to one of my favorite songs and this is what popped into my head. Hope you enjoy it.


**All My Secrets**

Salt air swept over him and he let the tear drops fall, covering his cheeks and dripping from his chin. The song thumping from the little cabana where most of the beachgoers had retreated was surely to blame for his loss of emotional control. Deeks blinked back the sting that the unending drops were causing, singing along with the lyrics in his head, his throat far too choked to create anything resembling words.

 _I need another story_  
 _Something to get off my chest_

Blaming the song or the DJ or whoever had placed a quarter into the juke box was hopelessly futile. He knew where the responsibility lay and it was deep within his own self.

 _'Til all my sleeves are stained red_  
 _From all the truth that I've said_

Too many secrets.

That's what she'd said earlier, her mysterious mis-matched eyes dancing with both hope and regret. Kensi had been holding back ever since the drinks they'd shared with their friends and teammates and he'd wrestled with the solution that would either make or break them. He been so unsure when he'd met up with her after his little side trip to see Hetty. It was a small comfort that he hadn't needed to confess to his boss over at NCIS but it would have been a cakewalk compared to the one he needed to make to the woman that he loved more than life itself.

 _Tell me what you want to hear_  
 _Something that will light those ears_  
 _Sick of all the insincere_  
 _So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

Nothing left to hide, nothing left to loose.

 _This time don't need another perfect lie_  
 _Don't care if critics ever jump in line_  
 _I'm gonna give all my secrets away._

He'd told her everything after they'd left the bar ... Tiffany ... Boyle ... the shooting ... the cover up. She'd taken it all in stride then turned them toward the beach, her hand locked firmly with his. The waves were still breaking pretty hard and the soft glow of the moon highlighted the white foam as they crested and finally crashed. She hadn't tensed, not even for a moment as the words "I shot him" fell from his lips and he'd almost grabbed her tighter, to hold her back from running from a man who had killed another to protect a lowly prostitute and then lied about it for years.

Lied to his fellow officers.

Lied to his friends.

Lied to himself.

Lied to her.

But as _One Republic_ played on in the distance, he came to a decision within himself, one of steel resolve ... no more. No more lying to this beauty who had stood with him through so much. No more letting her think that he was something he was not. No more letting the truth slip into an obfuscation that only served to protect him from the consequences from his own choices.

No more.

If she asked right now, he'd spill about taking a can of Campbell's soap to the school's bathroom and making vomiting noises and pouring the contents into the toilet to make the teacher think he was sick so he didn't have to take the math test he hadn't studied for. He tell her about the time he'd driven around on the 401 in some car Ray had 'found', shooting bottle rockets out the back window at other vehicles. There was the time during his days at the police academy where he'd peed in a plastic zip lock bag for a classmate who was surely to fail the monthly drug screen. The list went on and on ... and tonight, he would gladly share it all with the woman holding tightly to his hand.

 _Oh, got no reason, got no shame_  
 _Got no family I can blame_  
 _Just don't let me disappear_  
 _I'ma tell you everything_

 _So tell me what you want to hear_  
 _Something that will light those ears_  
 _Sick of all the insincere_  
 _So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

 _This time, don't need another perfect lie_  
 _Don't care if critics ever jump in line_  
 _I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

Deeks turned, his feet digging into the sand, the moment had come. Her other hand came up to grab his free one, her face partially hidden in shadow but he could see her eyes were damp as well.

"Kens ... "

Her lips were on his before he could continue, drowning out his confession before it could find freedom. It was hot and fast, over almost as soon as it began as she pulled back and for a moment, he feared that it had been her 'good-bye'.

"No, babe."

"But ..." Again she shut him up with her lips covering his.

Kensi pressed into him ... hard ... until they almost stumbled over their own feet. "Shhhh ... Marty ... I love you and nothing else matters."

His arms came up around her waist, tugging her hips into his. "I have so much I need to tell you."

She nuzzled into his neck, her head fitting perfectly under his chin and she smiled when he melted against her. "I know ... and you will."

"I'm afraid ... "

Kensi pulled her head back enough so she could look up into his face. "Of what?"

"That you won't see me the same way ... not anymore ... not after this."

His cheek was warm and wet when she covered it with her palm. "You listen to me Martin Andrew Deeks ... there is no power on this earth that could make me stop loving you."

"I know."

She forced him to look down at her when he tried to turn away. "No! I don't think you do. I love you, you understand? I. Love. You." They were both crying now, secrets or no secrets, this was a moment that neither of them had ever shared with another soul, a moment of pure honesty and redemption. "You are who I choose to be with ... to love ... and you are the person that I choose to let love me in return. It doesn't matter what you have done in the past ... it doesn't matter what you will do in the future ... I will not stop loving you ... not when the stars fall ... not when death separates us ... never."

"Oh ... _God_ ... Kens ..."

 _So tell me what you want to hear_  
 _Something that will light those ears_  
 _Sick of all the insincere_  
 _So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

 _This time, don't need another perfect lie_  
 _Don't care if critics ever jump in line_  
 _I'm gonna give all my secrets away_  
 _All my secrets away, all my secrets away_

They held each other until the song had faded from their ears but it continued to ring in their hearts. Both had secrets that they'd spent enormous amounts of energy trying to keep buried, energy that should have been directed at other things ... more important things. They were two battered souls, searching for someone that would accept them unconditionally, without prerequisites or demands. The years behind them held memories of some who had tried, but through the course of life, had let them down and eventually turned away.

In that moment, on that beach, they realized that they were holding, not just another person, but they were now embracing the other half of their broken selves. The part that complimented them perfectly; where she was strong, he was weak; where she was weak, he was strong. It was as if the missing puzzle piece had finally been found and there was joy as it nestled into place.

It wasn't easy, revealing everything about yourself to another, fallible human being, one that could hurt you more than you could imagine. But it was also one of the most liberating things a person could do; the ultimate display of trust and faith. Loving, even when there are parts of the other that aren't all that loveable, but choosing to do so anyway.

By the time they made it back to their place, their 'home', the tears had dried and the ache in their chests had eased to the point where it was a distant memory. Stumbling through the door, their bodies wrapped in each other, they had one goal in mind and it was if they were to have any more secrets, it would be the ones that only they knew, the ones that bound them together just as if they were one entity ... one person ... one soul.

 _I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

 _fin_

* * *

 **A/N: Guess what song I was listening to while I wrote this? Yes. One Republic's, "Secrets". I don't know why, but this just popped into my head and I had to write it before it floated away.**

 **Semper Fi**

 **JS**


End file.
